I have no doubt that traveling back to the town we hail from (I refuse to call it a “hometown) could be good and healing and all that shit, and I intend to try hard to see it that way as we travel through the sulfuric pits of hellfire on the way there, but right now I just want to skip it – which is sad, really, because we’re going back for a friend’s wedding and people are excited to see me. I have lunch and coffee dates planned for many nights of the week. My Kid is going out to the movies with a friend and visiting his ballet class.
But I’m bitter about the whole thing.
Something about it… I guess I’m just scared. Scared of Edith. Scared of getting back into all that anxiety disaster and falling into a deep depression and having to crawl back out again. No thanks. I mean, seriously. I spent ten years there and now… now getting out… I know it’s the best thing I could have done.
I’ve been reading this book that talks about stories and archetypes from ancient times and whatnot and The Ugly Duckling was one that they explored. I know this isn’t an ancient story, but it is archetypal and in reality it’s about finding your people. There was this one section in the book that said that you know you’ve found them (and your place in the world) when people aren’t giving you disparaging looks all the time.
It’s funny, but until I read that I didn’t realize how much that was my experience in the place we come from. Disparaging. Not encouraging or happy or kind – disparaging. Messages that I don’t belong and I can’t belong and I will never belong so I should just conform or hurry up and kill myself.
I contemplated suicide at least once a year while living there.
The last time I did that was when I was 14 and bullied horribly before we moved to a new school district. I don’t think that’s coincidence. I think that’s just how things are. I was living in the same hell. The same place filled with bullies and people who didn’t accept me or care for me or want me.
I know this wasn’t the case with everyone and I do love those people, but going back…
I’ve been spending a lot of time looking over real estate in other places. Trying to keep my head on straight and remember that a week rolls by pretty fast. We’ve already been on the road for almost three months. A week will fly. I pray it does.