Holy Shit

I spent the weekend at my old college with a bunch of people working on a project.

That’s not why I’m writing.

I got the chance to have time over coffee with the Ex-Boyfriend. Just us. Alone. It was the most intense three hours of no physical contact in my entire life.

And then we talked about it. After. Over FB, and about the things we were feeling, and how they were the same.

Bottom line: we’ll always be in love with each other.

Bottom line part deux: we care about our partners and families too much to leave them.

I don’t know what that means.

I want to sit down and talk about it with him face to face.

The problem is that Ed is now jealous of the Ex. I mean – he has reason to be, but before this he was always cool with us hanging out together. I think this weekend was the first time he actually realized why we dated before, and why he might be a threat now. There was competition and such. I hadn’t ever seen Ed like that before, and I guess I should be flattered, but at the same time I really want to work this out with The Ex, and that doesn’t mean I’m going to be having sex with him – I just want another three hours over coffee where we both understand what we’re doing there and we’re not both assuming the other one isn’t interested.

I think we’ve cleared that up now.

I can’t imagine a situation where I wouldn’t want to be with him. Or holding his hand.

All that said I still love Ed.

It’s not even different love, really, it’s just a matter of the better life partner. I’m not sure the Ex feels the same way about his life partner choice, but I know he loves his kids and doesn’t want to give them up for anything. I don’t know what will happen when they’re grown. I’m trying not to think about it.

I know it sounds sick but I feel like an open relationship would make so much sense at this point – not open to anyone, just this one person. I don’t want to go sleeping around. I would even be happy just to be able to give him a long hug without someone looking over my shoulder and angry. I think things would fall out a lot better than way.

I don’t even know how to deal.

We talked about an open relationship before and we agreed that it wasn’t something either of us wanted. I didn’t want him to have that intimacy with another women – the after part. I don’t care if he has sex with someone else. It’s the connection after the sex.

The problem with The Ex is that the connection is already there. It’d be like if The Military Boyfriend and I ever got back together (which wouldn’t happen) – but we already know so much shit about each other we wouldn’t even need pillow talk. With the Ex, the pillow talk isn’t even necessary. The sex, for me, is like a final and complete union of our souls. I’ve never felt that way with anyone else. I know it sounds horrible – makes me a horrible person. I don’t know what to say to that or what to say to you with regard to that. I don’t want to break up his family. In fact, I want him to stay with them so that he can continue to be a great husband and fabulous father. I want that for him. It’s just that we have this insane connection outside of this world – I don’t believe it belongs in this lifetime, honestly – not as a marriage. I don’t even know if we could be married. Our relationship is so fucking intense – so volatile. I guess that means I should just stay away from him.

I guess that’s why there are all those articles out there that say we shouldn’t be on social media because it ruins marriages. Maybe if I didn’t have facebook I would never think about him.

But somehow I can’t imagine it.

Even if we couldn’t communicate. Even if there weren’t tiny little reminders day after day that he is out there somewhere and pining the same way I am pining – I still think we would think of each other. We might never communicate it, but it would still be happening. How can we help it? It’s what soul mates do.

And now I feel like a total douche, honestly. How dare I say all this shit with regard to Ed? I mean, seriously! He’s an AMAZING husband and a father who tries really fucking hard to do the right things. And here I am talking about how The Ex is my soulmate.

Don’t get me wrong. Ed is my soul mate too – a different kind and in a different way.

I wish I could remember who The Ex’s soul was to me, is to me. It might help assuage the pain.

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