Life as I know It

The Ex and I met with the Porn Star in a completely other state and Ed knew.

I spilled it all to Ed.

He knows I still love The Ex. Maybe I should be calling him something else now, but I don’t know what to say.

The Ex is still with his wife. And he doesn’t want to tell her about me.

I have a lot of conflicting feelings about this.

When we were together we kissed. We touched. We held each other.

Ed cried. Not because it happened, but because I didn’t call him first to talk it through. He has said he’d be okay with sex if that’s something that happens and something I need.

I don’t know what I think considering The Ex won’t tell his wife.

Sometimes I get it.

He has something he doesn’t want to lose, and I get that. But I can’t help feeling so dirty and “other woman” like even though Ed knows everything, we talk, we have amazing sex… our relationship has GROWN as a result of this thing with The Ex. It’s absolutely mind-blowing.

But nights like tonight, when The Ex isn’t around to talk to, I feel just trashy. Dirty. A whore, really.

When I look for advice online that’s all I find – you’re the other woman. He’s cheating. You’re nothing. He’ll leave you in the dust.

That’s hard for me because The Ex and I have known each other since I was 15 years old. Almost twenty years. When we met it was like lightning – the connection was immediate and powerful. I’ve read this means we might be “twin flames”. Google it. We have all the things.

When we dating is was hot and passionate and volatile and amazing.

When we broke up it was wrenching and sad.

And now this.

We told each other our feelings have only grown over the last 14 years since we were a real item.

But we’re both married.

Of course I told Ed.

How could I NOT tell Ed. I love him. He’s my best friend. The one who knows me.

And he understood as only Ed could.

But The Ex not telling his Wife I just… I can’t. I don’t know how to deal.

He’s still sweet to me. Reassures me that I’m not just some other woman. That he hasn’t ever even considered cheating. That it’s different with me and I know how cliche that sounds but I’m not just some girl he met at a bar. I’m the girl he’s loved for years and we talk and it’s amazing. But I do think – how many other girls is he talking to? How many others telling he loves…

My friend told me that he’s a cheater and cheaters are cheaters.

I guess that means I’m a cheater too.

I don’t know.

I don’t know anything.

I want to bash my head against something.

Too much dreaming.


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