My parents are coming into town this week.
I know this is going to set me back something like decades.
I love them.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t love them.
Sometimes talking to them is wondering and broadening.
Sometimes… usually at least once every visit… I just feel hurt, misunderstood, and kind of tortured.
There will probably be at least one discussion about “homosexuality” and my views on the subject. I hate this. I’m not out to them. I… I can’t be out to them.
They would definitely disown me and/or completely misunderstand what I’m saying.
I’ll get the bisexual “it’s okay because you chose to be straight” talk. Or something worse. My dad is especially disgusting and graphic when he talks about it. I’d rather just not.
I hope I can be strong enough to just say “No. This topic of conversation is hurtful to me.”
I realize that I’m more emotional than most people. About just about everything. I’m struggling with it a lot. They aren’t. Especially my mother. She says she’s not upset when she obviously is. I don’t know how to deal with that.
It could be a really great time.
And I invited them.
But I’m scared.
I’m scared of crawling back in my hole.
I like who I’m becoming even if it’s terrifying.
I feel like – I’m awake now. I don’t want to go back to sleep.
The fact is… we’re all dying.
And we spend all this time trying to fit in to what society wants us to be.
Why are we wasting precious hours and minutes behaving and working toward this vision of something we don’t even understand or deeply care about? Why don’t we eat with our elbows on the table when it’s more convenient and put our feet up on the chairs when our shoes aren’t gross and kiss our friends and tell people we love them?