How I Spent My Morning

So I heard Ed pounding around this morning and it was hard not to wake up, even though I went to sleep extremely late.

We’re missing church because Ed was up so late and now has to do another project.

I am trying not to be bitter about how much my life is controlled by another person whose priorities are not always the same as mine. I am trying not to start arguments about how he should have had his stuff done weeks ago and made arrangements and kept track of time.

I know there are times I need him to be understanding of me. Like last night when I forgot my pantyhose and I needed him to run home and get them for me. Or how he used scissors and an iron to fix the fact that the built in slip on my skirt from Goodwill kept showing. I know he’s a good person. I know he’s a good man, but there are times when I just feel so angry about things like that. Too many commitments. Dropping the ball. Letting friends/potential friends down.

I don’t know. I just feel so angry and sad and mostly honestly I just feel so lonely.

So profoundly lonely.

I don’t even know how to describe the loneliness I feel.

Ed is here, but he’s not here. He comes in and says “I love you” and then goes back outside to work. I am so desperate for attention. I feel like every time I might get some it is ruined by some outside influence or by the thoughts about The Ex or by some intense obligation on one of our parts. I am at the point where I would drop everything just to spend time with him but he is not there. When I am like this he just works harder on all of his tasks trying desperately to prove his love to me in a way that will ultimately be relatively meaningless in the moment.

Different love languages.

It’s hard.

I guess.

Sometimes I’m angry because I feel like I try to give to him what he needs but he continues to try to give to me in the ways that he needs. I am tired because I feel like I am constantly trying to make sure that everyone’s needs are met but no one is trying to meet my needs. Not really. I feel like I get thrown the leftovers. It’s not different than being with The Ex, really. It’s the same, except his wife is not a person – it’s whatever project feels the most important at the time. I guess that’s why I enjoy working on projects with him. At least when he’s working on the project he’s also spending a little time with me.

So I’m sitting here in the cave that is our bedroom in the cold weather typing this and being bitter that one of my children is already awake and bitter that I’m missing church but sort of glad because I don’t want to face our friends for a chili cook off for which we aren’t prepare but also scared because those same friends are supposed to watch our children tonight and now tech isn’t even starting until 7 PM and yeah. I don’t even know what to do or think or how to handle things. We will maybe have to go and get them from the sitter and bring them to the theatre at some point because they have to work in the morning and tech might last until 1 AM. I feel so put out and so angry with other people not having their shit together and dropping the ball. I hate that I have to get the shaft even though I have done everything right. I hate that I am still having to wait, find tolerant babysitters, figure out how to repair relationships, clean up the bus and do the dishes, make sure the children brush their teeth and their hair even when they scream at me that they don’t want to do it…

I am so overwhelmed, stressed, and ANGRY. So angry because if my life were my own – which I understand it cannot be – I would not feel any of these ways.

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