Lonliness

I feel…

Lonely.

I feel… so fucking lonely.

Right now I’m sitting on my bed with my laptop and Ed is in the kitchen working on sound cues for the show I’m directing. He knows I want to spend time with him, but he’s hyperfocused on his task right now and he’s choosing that over me. Which, after eleven years of marriage, I should expect. But every time it still really hurts.

When I get the courage to ask for something I need… and then someone I love shoots me down. It’s… just super painful rejection.

Yes. He’s working on something for my show. But just a few hours ago he said he’d trade sleep tonight for spending some time with me. I guess that was just when it was about sex. Snuggling and talking – not worth the time.

Yesterday I needed him to come with me somewhere. Really just needed someone with me. Just to be with me. Just to support me and let me know I was important and special. He needed to keep working on a house project. He said he was “so torn” about it and just trying to get everything done. Which I get and I don’t. When you say I’m the most important thing to you, but your actions don’t follow that up, my mind goes to a lot of places and none of them are any good.

I’m getting tired though, now, of blaming myself and what happened with The Ex. Really tired of it. It happened. Ed is still saying I should talk to him. Still making a point to ask how he is doing. Still making it seems like somehow it’s okay – but I see this pain behind his eyes and I know it isn’t okay and honestly, I’m sort of just waiting for the other foot to fall. I thought our relationship was infallible. Now that I know that’s not true I’m just waiting. Because eventually it will all hit the fan and it will all be because of me and The Ex. Ed won’t say that’s why, but it will be. And I feel profoundly sad. Because I feel like Ed will be leaving me because I love The Ex. But Ed will leave. And I will be alone anyway. The Ex won’t leave his wife and his kids. There was never anything remotely resembling that as something that might ever even remotely happen on this planet and in this universe. It was always that we agreed we would stay with our spouses. So I would just be me. By myself. I am not a very good single mother. Ed seems to do okay by himself so my kids might go with Ed. Even though that kills me.

I don’t like putting out to the Universe all this talk about us splitting up.

That’s not what I want.

I want things to go back to the way they were before The Ex and I had sex.

But apparently sex is just the deal breaker. It does something to people I don’t quite understand. It makes me not as important, not as worthy, not as beautiful. And even if I am all those things it makes me… someone that Ed doesn’t want to be around. Someone it hurts to look at. Every time he looks at me, I think he sees that I love someone else. That someone else has “had me”. And things can never be the same.

It’s funny because I actually believed that it would be okay.

I still feel like an utter fool.

And at the same time I’m not sorry.

I’ve wanted this for years.

I wanted to know what it would be like.

I wanted to be with The Ex in this way.

And so I feel like I am reaping all the deserved punishments, really. I deserve to be divorced. So when it happens I won’t be surprised.

I’m sad because I was really excited about the life that Ed and I were building together.

And no, he hasn’t said anything about that. In fact, he’s said that he’s never going to leave and he still loves me and all of it. And yet I see the difference.

And these little choices… they cut to the bone.

Since I got home from the pilgrimage I’ve felt like I had an internal wound. No one can see it, but it’s there, and it’s bleeding. I’m bleeding to death slowly and no one knows. No one can find it or fix it. It just keeps happening – me bleeding out slowly – dying… and lonely.

I know that Ed is overwhelmed right now. But it’s just really bad timing.

I’m afraid that because of all of the things happening at once – we won’t make it through to the end.

Like… if things were just a little bit different we would be okay. But they aren’t. And so we won’t be.

I picture myself with The Ex. Alone at a hotel. Just him and me. And it’s after Ed has left and has my kids. And we’re having sex. And I’m just crying because this isn’t how I wanted it to be.

When I went into this thing – it isn’t what I wanted. It isn’t what I thought. It isn’t…

I don’t know.

I wish, honestly, that I’d just had an affair.

Gone on the pilgrimage and invited The Ex to be together and not told Ed a thing about it.

Because we wouldn’t be here now.

I trusted too much.

Just like C said all those years ago.

Too much trust. Too much outpouring of myself.

I need to learn how to keep all of that in. Even when I feel like bursting – shove it down. Keep it in.

But…

That is painful too.

What to do?

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