Decision

So I’ve decided that I need to stop seeing the Ex as a secondary partner and start seeing him as a friend with occasional benefits.

I can’t keep pining away, waiting for him to talk to me like my life depends on it. It’s fucking up the rest of my life, which is awesome.

Seriously.

My life is pretty freaking great.

But me sitting in front of the computer waiting to talk to The Ex or waiting for some bone he might throw at me to let me know that he has a fraction of the feelings for me that I do for him… it’s too much.

I’m going to try and let things be more naturally what they are and be content with the natural flow of the river, so to speak.

He hasn’t told his wife. Therefore – his wife doesn’t know. He loves me, but he can’t see me. I’m a friend he cares about and wants to be with physically when possible. That’s it. He can’t be a partner for me. He can’t. So I need to stop thinking of him as mine. It’s only hurtful. I think too much about him, about how he’s doing, about how he feels, about how I can let him know that I care. I don’t think he does that. I don’t think he can or wants to… or whatever.

So that’s where I am.

I’m scrunched up in a little ball typing because Ed and The Little are both on my bed and both sick and I’m just taking this little corner of the bed with my computer on the desk so that I can write. When I write it, it makes it real.

So…

The Ex and I … we’re just friends who admit we have feelings for each other that we can’t act on.

That’s it.

I have no obligation to him.

He has no obligation to me.

This tears me up inside.

But I need to get over it.

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