Christmas

So Ed quit his job a few weeks ago.

He got another job, but the salary is almost exactly half of what we were making before.

This means that during Christmas this year we are scraping the bottom of the barrel to get two things for each kid. We are wrapping them in paper grocery bags. For everyone else we are getting the an IOU for the book we just dropped $500 on to print. I feel like a complete asshole showing up to anything with empty hands, especially something for Christmas, because no matter what anyone says about the real reason for the season, people take it personally if you get them nothing or show up empty-handed.

Ed keeps telling me that I should take some time to visit with The Ex while we’re in the area. I want to see him desperately but I don’t want to risk shit hitting the fan with Ed again and I don’t even know how The Ex feels about me anymore. Maybe the novelty has worn off and I’m not quite so shiny now that we’ve gone ahead and done the deed. I see a lot of evidenced of him trying to fix things up with his wife, which shouldn’t make me jealous or sad. I should be happy for him/them, but it does, because I thought that I meant something real and wasn’t just filling some hole that he was missing in his marriage. I thought he was ACTUALLY poly too, and not just me sitting over here in my poly corner alone. Is anyone really poly or do people just use it as an excuse not to hurt each other’s feelings? Am I out there hanging on a limb alone by myself on this just like so many other things in my life? Okay, mostly just poly, honestly. Gah. I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing anymore.

Ed wants to drop me off at wherever I want to meet The Ex to hang out. I’m sure that won’t be awkward at all – them seeing each other.

Sigh.

Though knowing The Ex he will likely be one or two hours late so he and Ed never the twain shall meet. Or something. I really don’t understand myself when it comes to him, honestly. It’s like in Brokeback – “I wish I could quit you!”

But then again, I kind of don’t wish that. I really enjoy him and being with him. So yeah it’s all a complicated pile of shit, really. I wish that I could just put everything in a neat little box so that everyone’s brain (including mine) could wrap around it more easily. I wish that he could be direct with me about everything. Sometimes I hate myself for being so honest with everyone. I wish I could just not let things bother me and play all the stupid little games people play and somehow enjoy that, but I really can’t. Life is far too short to mess around like that, honestly. I came to that conclusion long ago. Just say what you mean and tell people how you really feel when they ask – especially when it comes to matters of the heart. It’s not worth going through life just wondering, and I think it’s even worse when someone asks you to just lie about it.

Back in high school there was this guy I was in love with and I am certain to this day that he was in love with me too, but his mother was a terrifying evil banshee and she forbade him from dating me and so he lied over and over, likely to protect me or some other psuedo-valiant mess, and so I was just frustrated all the time. I like being able to read people but it’s also a burden – knowing when they don’t want you to know. I looked hi in the eyes once and told him to tell me he didn’t love me. He did it but I believed him even less then. Say what you want, you had to be there and know him. He’s a miserable wretch now, really. He makes no money and still lives in the town we grew up in and lives with a woman and takes care of her child but the woman sleeps with other men and the only reason he doesn’t leave her is because he can’t afford rent by himself. I don’t have anything to say about people having money problems, because God knows I’m back in that insanity, but the high school pedestal love guy is honestly pathetic. He could do much more for himself. He’s smart and talented and has a useful degree, but instead of getting out there and making something of himself he’s driving the Blood Mobile and acting as a part time DJ on local radio. All I can say is that I hope he’s happy and I wish him happiness, but I know that’s not something that’s happening for him right now – and maybe not ever.

So tonight I’m sitting here typing and wishing I had some uninterrupted time to work on my creative life and maybe even write a blog that makes some sense. I’m feeling shitty because my kids aren’t having the kind of Christmas I want them to have. I know it’s great and all that they’re learning life lessons or something, but it is really hard to read all the facebook posts about people wrapping all their presents and drinking hot chocolate and egg nog while I’m just hoping we can afford the gas to spend a couple of days with my parents.

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