I have been swinging like a pendulum the past few weeks.
I thought it was situational but instead it’s bipolar. At least part of it is.
I’m trying to nurse myself a bit now but it’s hard when you’re a mom and all sorts of shit is going on around you- you have kids to take to things and husbands who are overwhelmed with new jobs and all sorts of other stressors and a lover who you’re paranoid will get bored with you at any moment…
I ate a banana because that’s supposed to help a bit with these things.
I’m scared of myself.
I am getting to the point where I feel like medication might be something I need to do which I hate.
I have feared the idea of medication ever since college when my sophomore roommate went on anti-depressants and become totally fake. It creeped me out. I never want to be in a place where my real feelings are blocked.
A couple of my former students have been giving me advice, which I appreciate. One of them ended up in the mental hospital while I was teaching her for a suicide attempt during a mixed episode, which got her on her first battery of medications.
The problem is that I have very little trust for the medical community and I just want to take care of it myself if I can. I’m a little worried that my manic states will come with hallucinations soon though, and then there’s no choice in the matter – I’ll have to be on meds.
I keep trying to do things that will ground me. I went running a couple of days ago and I had some tea this afternoon and I ate this banana but I still just feel a mess. I feel anxious – no… I feel afraid. I feel like the world is crumbling around me and I have no idea what to do about it. I waver between this and euphoria – like everything in my world is finally where it ought to be.
Much of the euphoria and devastation is driven by whether or not the Ex is talking to me. This is super unhealthy. Logically, I shouldn’t expect him to talk to me all the time. He is working. He has a wife and family – but I take it personally. I feel like if he really loves me he should be experiencing all the NRE I’m experiencing but he isn’t. At least I don’t think that he is – but I don’t know. It’s possible he’s just keeping himself from talking to me in the same way I’m keeping from talking to him at times. I wish he would just go with the flow a bit more and trust his instincts. I want to see him.
The first time – when we only kissed (a lot) he was so into me. He was so nervous and I felt like I still had the upper hand.
The second time we had sex and this amazing weekend together but then his wife called and he left and it was painful.
This time it was fun. Lots of making out but he hasn’t been in a place where he can’t keep his hands off me. I wonder if that place exists for him anymore. Does he want that? I read all these other poly relationship boards and there is all this New Relationship Energy and they act like teenagers and fuck like rabbits but I don’t see that as much with us. Of course we did have sex three times the last time I saw him. There are all sorts of signs that he loves me. I think I am just really needy right now and need reassurance that I’m not alone and that I have friends and people actually care about me. I think that’s why I’m feeling desperate to see The Roommate and the Pansexual Porn Star and the others. I just want to be grounded. I want to feel necessary and important and loved and the need is insatiable. I guess that’s the disease.