Sorting Things.

I am trying hard not to be pissed off at The Ex. I still haven’t thought of a better name for him so we’ll just keep going with that for now.

It is really difficult to try and maintain a relationship with someone who always has to put you second. I understand his situation with his wife but at the same time, it isn’t fair to just cut off conversations at random all the time and only initiate conversation with me when he has a problem. I know. “It is what it is,” but it’s sucky. I can take it, but I don’t have to like it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about that and about polyamomry and relationship anarchy. I identify most as RA but it is extremely difficult to live out in the “real world” when you’ve been married for over eleven years and you’ve always been seen as a mainstream Christian even when you were fiercely liberal.

I don’t know what I consider myself now. I still believe in Jesus and his teachings but I’m so progressive I feel most people would probably agree I’ve fallen completely off the wagon.

I’m still not sure what to do about this – I am desperate to label and identify myself. I don’t know how else to do this life thing – and when labels fail I end up flailing.

This morning the Ex was talking to me about how his wife is hungry for Baby #3. I can sort of relate as I hoped to have a third child for awhile but I wasn’t about to make things bitter between Ed and me so I dropped it when I realized he felt strongly about only having two. What’s sad for Ed and me is that The Boy showed up before we even got to talk about how we wanted to build a family so things have always been muddled in that way. I don’t mind talking to the Ex about his problems but then he indicates that his wife is talking to him and just drops the conversation with me even though he’s still online. So he can’t focus his attention on only me when we’re talking but he is perfectly capable of focusing all of his attention on her. And the least he could do is tell me what’s going on “Hey, [my wife] needs to talk to me so I’m going to have to do that for awhile and give her my full attention. I love you and I’ll talk to you soon.” But there’s none of that.

I know. You guys are going to say he’s just an asshole and I should drop him like a smelly shoe – but the truth is he isn’t an asshole. He just doesn’t know what to do about this just the same way I don’t. I don’t feel like he doesn’t care about me – I know he cares a shitton in my rational mind. It’s just my feelings that need to follow up. I spend a lot of time feeling awkward and like I’m saying the wrong thing. Bottom line – I really wish I could spend more time with him in person – not chattering on Facebook and in this weird dead-end sort of one-way relationship thing.

I’m also a little miffed because I told him the next time he goes on travel I can make arrangements to see him and he seemed really excited and said that he would tell me the next time he goes – but I think he might be there now and he never mentioned it to me.

I feel like everything is cloaks and daggers on his end and I’m over here completely naked and transparent and all my weapons are on the ground. So there’s that vulnerability thing. I do it to myself, mostly.

The past several days I’ve been feeling intensely fragile. Like anything could break me.

At the same time, though, I feel very strong.

I’m not sure what that means.

In other news, my sex life with Ed has never been better.

Take that one to the bank and sort it.


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