On Sadness.

The Ex has had a really busy work week.

He thought about inviting me to spent it with him (he’s traveling), but The Wife and kids decided to tag along instead.

I wasn’t sad about that.

I am sad now.

He’s been so busy that he hasn’t really had time to talk to me.

Which shouldn’t upset me, I guess, but it sort of makes me feel broken up with.

The more I write about our relationship the more I feel like I should cut it off. It’s unhealthy. It’s hurting me. It’s making me nuts. It’s making me worried. It’s making me hurt.

But I don’t see how I can cut something off that only exists in my mind anyway. I mean – we’ve talked about it, but it’s not like we see each other ever. It’s this online insanity where I hope that one of the times he goes away I will, magically, at the same time, have enough cash to go and see him.

He has been quite clear he can never come to see me.

Ever.

Which is really heartbreaking, right?

The unwillingness to ever tell The Wife about me… some days… it hurts.

Not because I want her out of the picture.

Because I don’t.

I want her IN the picture. Very much IN. But I just wish that things could be easier for him and me. Just a normal polyamorous situation. Instead of one that makes me feel like I’m slamming my head into a brick wall over and over pretty much constantly.

He says that he feels guilty about this. That he is sorry, etc. etc… but he can’t change his behavior. So when I look at the definition of asking for an apology, it seems like if you’re sorry for hurting someone you should try and stop doing that again, right?

On the other hand, when I’ve asked him to do things he has complied without freaking out or getting uptight about it – at least as far as I know.

This week he even told me before the weeks started that it was going to be a busy one and that he wouldn’t have a lot of time to talk. I guess – I guess I wish he understood just how much a quick text message with a heart in it would mean. Or I don’t know. SOME sort of effort to maybe come here some day. I know that’s asking a lot, but he says he feels oh so bad.

I don’t know.

The thing is. I’m not even mad at him. I just feel stupid and depressed because I feel the way I do and I don’t have the strength to just cut him out of my life and put him out of my mind.

I feel so desperate still living in the bus like we are, the house not yet finished. I just want more space. I just want more alone time. I am craving things that I cannot have and when I finally get them I cannot get enough. I become insatiable.

I guess it would also help me to feel better about The Ex if he would maybe think about how we could get together – hey I have this trip and I’d really really like it if you could come with me…

He said things like that all the time before he knew how I actually felt about him.

Maybe it’s the whole – we want what we can’t have – thing. And now that he can have me he doesn’t want me anymore.

Yeah. I feel rejected.

I’m not as obsessive as I was a week ago. I’ve finally worked through all that new relationship energy and I’m not high and low like I was before and I’m not obsessing over him talking to me and me talking to him but I am still feeling a bit sad when it’s as though I don’t exist for him, and he doesn’t talk to me in a way that makes it feel like I should. I feel like he’s intentionally pulling away. Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt me so he’s just trying to pry me off slowly, like a band-aid.

I’d rather be ripped off all at once, thanks.

I want loving words. I think that’s the most important thing to me. I miss yous and I love yous and I can’t wait to see you, sleep with you, hold you, kiss you…

I don’t feel like that’s something you can ask for because it’s not something you can force. It just comes out of you because it comes out and you can’t keep it in.

I’m not sure he has anything like that for me.

It makes me feel delusional.

And then I ask him about it because I want to be straight about everything with everyone and he gives me little reassurances but those die away right after the conversation often.

I am thinking about this crazy Law of Attraction stuff and it doesn’t seem all that different than worry and prayer to me. And so I try and put out there the things I want. The way I’d like things to be. But not seeing his face. Not seeing him long to touch me and feeling the sparks when he finally does… it’s just…

Sigh.

I feel alone in this relationship.

Like I’m floating on this cloud and I think someone is with me the whole time, but then it starts to get dark, and I call his name, and he doesn’t answer, so I look behind me, and there is really no one there.

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