Dear (The Ex),

The first time I met you I saw how you sparkled with infinite potential.   I saw your wit and your humor and your talent… and the way you made people feel good just by your existing.  We’ve often talked about how we should have traded partners then and there, and how if we had just done that, things might have been different.  Then again, you always say that you wouldn’t want to go back and change the past.

When we were dating it was volatile.  I know it was.  But I fell in love with you immediately and passionately and I had never felt that way before and never would again.  I held breaking up with you as my biggest life regret.  I held it close and with a clenched fist and the belief that somewhere you were out there loving me still and that maybe somehow… if the earth shifted on its axis… maybe we could somehow still be together.

When I admitted it all to you last summer I felt so much euphoria hearing that you’d felt the same way all these years I thought I might take off and fly.  And that we both wanted things to stay the way they were but also somehow pursue one another…  I had never dreamed that something I had always so desired could play out in reality.

Being with you…

I admit the sex was more awkward than I imagined.  I’d held that up on a pedestal far too long.  I didn’t think we’d have to try very hard to make it perfect.  We’d always fit together so well physically.  But I think the years made us forget our instincts, and those were what drove us before.  With you it was always easy to know what was good, right, most erotic for both of us.

I don’t know how things broke down.

Maybe you realized I’m not the person you thought I was and that being with me was not what you thought it would be, could be, should be…

I don’t know.

Somehow things got hard.

And dramatic.

And painful.

And somewhere I lost what we were and who we were and what we were doing and I felt you slipping away from me and I got desperate and I…  I don’t know.

I guess I saw that I was, indeed, losing you.

Even though you said I wasn’t.

Even though you said you’d love me always and forever…

Something changed for you.

And I guess that’s for the best, really, isn’t it?

For you to find true happiness with your wife and children and for me to focus the way I once could on the things I have instead of the things I don’t.

The thing is…  it hurts.

Before I believed you felt the way I feel but now I know it isn’t true.

I wasn’t the one who got away for you.

I was.

Something else.

I guess I’ve changed or you’ve changed or we’ve both changed and something just isn’t the same.

I miss you.

I’ve said that already but it’s the only way I really know to describe how I’m feeling.

I can’t even send this to you because it will push you even further away.

I suppose the best I can do at this point is to say I’m sorry.

And I’m hurting.

And I just.

I wanted you to know.


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