On Manipulation

Sometimes I’m afraid of myself.

I feel like I can manipulate people and I don’t think that’s fair to them.

I know I have, at times, been worshiped as a goddess.  Been bowed down to.

I have also been hated.

When it’s all too much for people.

Sometimes – I realize – people want to be lied to.

Those are the people who often pull away.

It’s funny, because I tend to know what people want and I can get them to do things because of that.  It makes me afraid of myself.

So to combat this, I’ve tried to always be as authentic as possible.

Today is one of those days when I feel like…  just crawling under the covers of lies and manipulation and stopping saying how I really feel – what I really think.  So often it has just made me sad.

The Ex barely talks to me anymore.

I don’t pretend to understand that.

I guess he’s always been intriguing because he’s one of the few people who can still actually surprise me.

He’s also one of those people who, when he gets down deep enough, turns away in fear… or disgust, maybe.

Not sure if the fear and disgust is about me, or about him.

I miss him.

I miss talking to him.

I always felt like… I always felt like… in the end, he and I would…  I don’t know.

Figure something out.

And this thing we had it was something… nice.  Nice for a kind of in between – even if the other thing never happened at least we’d have this rendezvous … thing we were having.

I guess I should tell him that I’m going to be in the city regardless of whether or not he’s going to be there.

I get the feeling he doesn’t give a fuck if I’m there or not.

I’m trying not to let it hurt me too badly, take it too personally – but the fact is, I’m shoving down the ugly cry I’d like to be doing.

I don’t understand why we can’t all just say what we feel.  I’m sick of people trying to protect me or whatever the hell they’re doing when they just stop talking.  I don’t know.  Maybe, in the end, I’m just a bad listener.

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