The thing is, You always come back to me.

Even when I think it’s finally over for real and for good you come back.  You wrap your arms around me and I can’t help myself.  All is forgiven.

I am letting myself believe you when you tell me that you love me and always will – even when we don’t speak for weeks.

I finally came to the realization that you have to keep me at arms length because you don’t trust yourself not to leave your family and come to me – and what would you have then if I wouldn’t leave Ed?  You’d have nothing and all the pain to gain from it.  And so I have to look at you with mercy, though I’m desperate for a re-igniting of the romance we had only months ago.  Where I could tell you how much I wanted you to hold me and you would reciprocate and mean it.

Maybe it’s enough for you, just to know.  Just to be there, with your life, and know.

Maybe it will be enough the next time I see you – for I have to hold on to the hope that I will.  I have risked too much.  I have risked everything to have this chance with you.

I opened Pandora’s Box and I can’t ever go back.

I have been living in a strange blue haze, trying to wade through and trying to grasp onto anything that sticks out and seems to hold weight.

Tree branches – yield and fall, rocks…  crumble to the earth.

I keep on falling.

I grab and hold and pull and feel everything move under me.

The roots of the trees I thought so deep – roots that would always and forever hold me – I find the brittle and easily broken.

I want some kind of mother to catch me.

I don’t know her yet.

I don’t know her.


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