It’s like maybe I’m ready to open the next chapter in my life.
Part of me thinks that maybe that chapter doesn’t include theatre.
I don’t know.
I think I’m afraid that if I’m not involved with the theatre I will never make any friends. I had this whole situation in high school where I had a lot of trouble really fitting in until I found the theatre people and then all of a sudden I understood where I belonged. But I wonder if maybe that’s kind of passed. I still love theatre people and feel really comfortable in the atmosphere of theatre, but at the same time, I feel like I’m sort of tired of working my ass of to tell other people’s stories. Stories of the past that we keep telling over and over – and I see the value in it, I really do – but I’m spending months of my life trying to break my back – figuratively – on a productionwhere sometimes I feel like the only person who really cares about excellence – and honestly – why am I so obsessed with being excellent at something so intangible? So…effervescent?
I want to travel.
I want to see things.
I want to write.
I want to make something seriously serious out of my life.
Theatre will always be uber important to me – but I’m learning so much right now – it’s like a portal has opened – now that I’ve finally stopped obsessing about The Ex and maybe gotten things back onto some sort of understandable and sustainable track with Ed – and theatre might not be as huge a part of my future as I once thought.
What about travel? And journaling? And gazing at the stars?
I want more time for that and less time cooped up in a black box under intense artificial lights.
I don’t know what I think about that.
I thought that theatre would be a part of my life forever, but I think things go in cycles, and there is nothing wrong with stepping away for awhile. How much more valuable will I be when I have had the life experiences to back up more layers in characters? And maybe I won’t ever do that. I want to meet more people. I want to research. I want to pursue my interests in science and ancient literature and artifacts and go to South America. I feel a huge draw there, and to England and back to Ireland as well. Study out my heritage. Those things, and adventuring with my husband and children – feel far more important than getting this insane theatrical endeavor off the ground and pulling teeth to do it. My kids will only be around for a limited time. I want to spend this time with them before they are grown and living their own lives away from the nest. I want to make our house amazing. I want to do all these things and I have a limited lifetime in which to do it. I don’t want to waste it.
I don’t want to waste it.