It’s like maybe I’m ready to open the next chapter in my life.

Part of me thinks that maybe that chapter doesn’t include theatre.

I don’t know.

I think I’m afraid that if I’m not involved with the theatre I will never make any friends.  I had this whole situation in high school where I had a lot of trouble really fitting in until I found the theatre people and then all of a sudden I understood where I belonged.  But I wonder if maybe that’s kind of passed.  I still love theatre people and feel really comfortable in the atmosphere of theatre, but at the same time, I feel like I’m sort of tired of working my ass of to tell other people’s stories.  Stories of the past that we keep telling over and over – and I see the value in it, I really do – but I’m spending months of my life trying to break my back – figuratively – on a productionwhere sometimes I feel like the only person who really cares about excellence – and honestly – why am I so obsessed with being excellent at something so intangible?  So…effervescent?

I want to travel.

I want to see things.

I want to write.

I want to make something seriously serious out of my life.

Theatre will always be uber important to me – but I’m learning so much right now – it’s like a portal has opened – now that I’ve finally stopped obsessing about The Ex and maybe gotten things back onto some sort of understandable and sustainable track with Ed – and theatre might not be as huge a part of my future as I once thought.

What about travel?  And journaling?  And gazing at the stars?

I want more time for that and less time cooped up in a black box under intense artificial lights.

I don’t know what I think about that.

I thought that theatre would be a part of my life forever, but I think things go in cycles, and there is nothing wrong with stepping away for awhile.  How much more valuable will I be when I have had the life experiences to back up more layers in characters?  And maybe I won’t ever do that.  I want to meet more people.  I want to research.  I want to pursue my interests in science and ancient literature and artifacts and go to South America.  I feel a huge draw there, and to England and back to Ireland as well.  Study out my heritage.  Those things, and adventuring with my husband and children – feel far more important than getting this insane theatrical endeavor off the ground and pulling teeth to do it.  My kids will only be around for a limited time.  I want to spend this time with them before they are grown and living their own lives away from the nest.  I want to make our house amazing.  I want to do all these things and I have a limited lifetime in which to do it.  I don’t want to waste it.

I don’t want to waste it.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s