Polyamory and Exhaustion

I’ve been watching a lot of Criminal Minds.

I feel like maybe it will help me deal with the whole empath thing.  I don’t know.

Now that Edith 2 is jangling around, I literally can’t even.  Yeah, I said it.

I’ve been doing a lot of MMA fighting lately.  It’s a release I enjoy.  My brother has been encouraging too.  He has suggested I do even more than this, but for now, this has been enough.

Ugh.  WordPress has the weirdest glitches.

So the latest annoyance is this woman who is woo woo off the charts and accusing me of the most ridiculous stuff possible.  I just want to handle it the right way and not encourage more of the behavior.  Crazy town.  For real.  More boxing, less crazy, eh?

The Ex and I continue to be … something.  I haven’t actually seen him for months now, so I can’t run around calling him a lover.  It’s not that anymore, it’s just not.  He refers to us as an “us”.  I just avoid referencing it.  I have felt enough roller coaster bullshit emotions in the past year.  I want it to be something he doesn’t want it to be, or is afraid for it to be – but it doesn’t matter which.  I used to think it did, but the truth is, it doesn’t.  Both have the same end result.  I feel shat on and hurt constantly.  I can’t handle that, so I’ve been distancing myself further and further.  I’m at a point now where if he wanted to see me again I’m sure I’d be tempted to say yes, but I’d have to say no.  I can’t keep having this weird relationship with someone who can’t make actual time for me. He seems to want things to be the way they used to be – so…  I guess they are.

Ed went through a period of having an intense crush on a friend of ours.  It was hard.  I don’t know how I would do if he actually went through with a sexual relationship with someone else.  I know that makes me hypocritical, but at least it’s honest.

I’ve been so tired lately.  Tired of trying to be something that mostly feels like a fight.  Tired of people deciding to make things harder for no apparent reason.  Tired of ungrateful parents.  Tired of Ed working pretty much constantly and it being obligatory.  He’s proud of the money he’s bringing in, but I’d rather have him here at least a little bit of the time.  Coming home late.  It sucks.

I will be elated when this current production ends.  I’m already looking forward to it.  I don’t have the energy to give pithy motivational speeches and continue to pour myself out in this way.

Anyway, I should be going.  Ed is here and will want to talk or sleep while I’m talking.  The Ex wants to talk about poly and about me and poly and about me and Ed and poly – I don’t know, he gets his rocks off that way.

I had all these fantasies that I could help him figure out his performance anxiety – but he won’t let me, so here we are, eh?

One thing sleeping with the Ex did for me?

Took all the mystery out of what that would be like.

I admit I wonder what it could be like if it was a DADT relationship… if it could be something more, but much as I want that I don’t think he wants it, and so …  I’m in a place where I’m not sure I want anything.  Not sure what that makes me…or him…or it.


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