Sometimes I am plagued by guilt.
When I sent one of the kids away when I want to watch a television show instead of playing with them – what does that say about me? Some might say that means I’m an uncaring, terrible mother. Others have said things like – I’m a person and I should be able to have time that I want and time to do what I want and as long as my kids have their basic needs seen to and know that I love them that is enough.
I don’t know what I think about it.
I only know how it makes me feel.
I do it, and immediately I want to take it back. I have the record playing on repeat in my head “You’re a terrible mother. Look how selfish you are. Look how bad an example you are setting for your children. Look at how ridiculous you are sitting there on your bed staring at the television screen. You want to have this amazing full life and instead look what you have. Children who beg for your attention and you turn them away so that you can watch the next binge on Netflix.”
I know this is the reason that I have certain bad habits I have retained for many years. One in particular, that I share with the Ex. The Ex and I share an insane amount of things. Everything but a bed, really, now adays. And a life. He has the pattern of not speaking to me for weeks and then talking to me for hours during every day, unable to break away from me, it seems, and then relegating me to the burners farthest away from his actual consciousness when it becomes overwhelming for him.
Wanting to be with him is something that sometimes consumes me too, so I understand how he feels. A part of me wonders, sometimes, why we don’t just do it. Just start over everything, the two of us as one. But then I realize what different paths we’ve chosen and how it simply cannot work now. Perhaps not ever. And I want to cherish what I have and at the same time I want to throw it away and never look at it again. And so I am. And so it is.
Ed just arrived with dinner.
I should go.