Dear (The Ex) 3

It hurts me when I see that you’ve used the things we’ve been talking about, feeling, sending to one another vibrationally to enhance your marriage.

I understand why you do it.

I guess…to a point… we both do.

I’ve started to feel like…what are we doing?  Living by logic…  It doesn’t always make sense anymore.

And yet…  we do it.

Because really  – where would we go?  How would we make a new start?  How would we get over the guilt we’ve left in our wake and the endless chaos?

I feel…

I don’t know what I feel much of the time.

I love my life here.  With Ed.  And the kids.

And yet I think of you…

I think of you more than I should.  So much more than I ever ever should.

And I realize that you know me better than anyone.  And that scares me.  You answer my questions before I can think of how to phrase them in my head – can you do that with all the people in your life?  I can’t.  I want to sit on your lap facing you.  I want to hold your head in my hands.  I want us to be able to be vulnerable enough to the truth to cry together.

Why do we have this soul connection?

Do you feel it?

Do you feel me?

When I touch myself and think of you what do you feel?  Are you already there?  When the thought come into my head that I didn’t put there myself… is that you I feel?  Because there are things I would never think…and I feel the brush of your creativity on the wings of my mind and things change sometimes…

Where are you, Love?  Where are you now?

When I see that she writes she had a wonderful day…that ‘life is beautiful’ I wonder at how for the last two days we’ve talked to one another six or eight hours of the day and I feel like those feelings are projected onto her and I feel so sad and lonely – so empty for the loss of your attention and affection.  You talk to me and you store me up and then you use all the love – the feelings for me – you spread them around to her…and I miss you.  And I save all your things.  I try to – anyway…

Why don’t you do it for me?

What would happen if you did save them?

The world would burst open?

I think about the first time we were together and I remember the very sounds that passed through your lips and how you felt…how you sighed as we passed one another…

You talk about your guilt.

And you talk about how you were vulnerable because things are empty where you are right now and I want to believe it’s all true and all real and then I feel like…when you do this…when you take our thoughts and feelings and discussions and turn them back to someone else I feel like I’m living a delusion and I don’t know how to deal with that.  What are you doing to me?  Do you want to be?  Do you care?

I wish that you would come to me.  Just…just once.  Just once you would appear by surprise and whisk me away for just one night – like a dream – and I wish that during that night you would tell me how you really feel – all the way down.  The dark secret things that you’re afraid to say – that you’re shielding from the outside world because they might break you if you say them…I need to hear those things.  Please…please…please.

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