I have all these dreams about being super mom.
I make all these really neat plans in my head about what that looks like and sometimes I actually pick days on which to carry out these plans.
Then the day comes and I feel to tired to even get out of my bed and yeah. I don’t know what to do with that.
Today I went to the neurologist to check out all the shit that might be going on with my brain and try to figure out the fatigue stuff. I don’t know. Headaches and fatigue and whatnot. I feel so shitty much of the time. I realize that I’m stressed to the max and this isn’t helping matters. So there’s that. But really – sigh now WordPress is being ridiculous about me being about to see what I’m typing. I think I type lots of random shit but I don’t know what or why. Sometimes my fingers just do strange things.
Today the ex talked to me for like five seconds about my appointment. I know I just get on here and rant about him a lot, but that’s where I am right now and I shouldn’t have ot feel my stupid guilty feelings about my own blog. I wish that I could better control things. I realize that the Ex must be giving me sometihng – adding to my life somehow, because if he wasn’t then I wuldn’t have an issue with dropping him like a bqd habit. And yet. Here I am writing about him.
I do like that we both hae similar needs when it comes to communication and talking and processing externally. I really wanted to talk to him last night because Ed just tends to sit there and not know what to say – and much as I love him this makes me nuts when I’m trying to process through something.
I’ve decided that fuck correcting all the errors that happen when I can’t actually see what I’m typing. Pretty damn sure no one reads this blog anyway. But. Eh. I’ve been surprised before.
Anyway – on top of all of this I just want to get better and feel less stressed and be able to have the life I envision instead of just, you know, envisioning it.