It’s one of those times when you know the Ex is having sex with his wife.

You can feel it.  The earth moving under you.  The absence from social media.  The still fall of… I don’t know.  Nothing-ness?

I gave him an idea for a date night today.

Which feels… I don’t know.  Empty and really fucking sad.  Let’s be honest – when a girl tells a guy friend what to do on a date it’s something she’d love, and good for the girl who gets it, but it’s the girl who suggests it that was hoping…really hoping for it to happen to her.

I don’t know.

I have so many feelings and none of them are really ones I understand.

This is so new for me.

For the last year I haven’t understood myself.

It’s a first in my life.

Ed claims this is the norm for most people – but it’s never been MY norm, so that doesn’t really help.

I’ve always understood how my feelings matched up to actions that could make sense.  And now my head and heart just don’t match.  Before, even when this was the case the thing my head was saying always felt like the right thing to do, even if it was going to hurt my heart.  Now i look at the potential solutions and come up empty…

The hardest part is not know…not…really knowing the Ex’s feelings or level of commitment – committed to a lifetime of…what?  Chatting it up on social media?  Watching our profile pictures grown and change?

I haven’t seen him since February.

It feels stupid and I feel stupid and yet… all at once… I can’t stop the fondness.  The want.  The longing.

All this knowing how it makes Ed feel.  Which makes me a total bitch.  I know that.  Ed says that I shouldn’t feel guilty.  I should allow myself to be happy.  How do you do that when the person who is a part of you is torn up inside over it?  How do I stop empathizing with someone so close to me?

My therapist said it wasn’t good for me to hold Ed’s feelings for him, but I can’t help it.  It feels like that’s what love means.  I know it doesn’t – but I don’t know what it is if it isn’t that.

The Ex sends me his feelings almost constantly.

Maybe I’m making that up, but I can’t explain things any other way.

You know – nothing makes any sense any more.

Everything used to make all sorts of sense and I knew who I was and where I was going and now I’m wrapped up in feeling inadequate and guilty and lost and empty and lonely as fuck.  So fucking lonely.

I just want to dance with someone.  I want someone to hold me.  I want someone to take me somewhere beautiful and wrap my up in their arms and a blanket and I want a cracking fire and I want to make love and I want to be free to make love with more people and I want…

My life is made of wanting lately.

Dissatisfaction.

And I find that unfair.

Because when I look at things objectively I love where I am.

But I don’t understand what I’m doing.

I don’t understand myself.

I want to be free to love more people but I don’t want it to hurt my partner and I don’t want to feel jealous if he wants to be with other people and I want to try being with a woman – yes, someday – I want this – and yet I don’t know how to orchestrate it without it being contrived and I feel so in love with so many people around me and I don’t know how to express that because there really just isn’t a socially acceptable way to say it and how do you articulate to people you’ve known for over twenty years that you think if you all just had an orgy it would solve so many of your internal struggles – the deep ones that rip at your brain and course through your veins…

The stillness of night is deafening.

I want to scream and scream and scream and nothing happens.

My neck hurts.

I want a massage.

I want to fly across the country and never look back and yell out my new identity.

I am poly!  I am bisexual!

I want to experience all the things!!!!

Why do we have to come here to experience these sensations and then age out of the time when it’s appropriate before we have an understanding of what it is we want???

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s