Things with Ed are good.  Really good.

Things with The Ex are…  I don’t know.  He hasn’t spoken to me in over two weeks now.  Since we argued about how we’re bad for each other (or not) and I said maybe we should just leave each other alone.  I chalk it up to his business and his compartmentalization and I try not to dwell on it.  If he never talks to me again, I need to have peace with that and accept it.  It’s hard, but it’s a have to.  I’m not going to beg.  I’ve done quite enough begging.

And now there’s Mr. S.  Oy.  That’s a whole other ball of wax.

Mr. S. is married.  Mr. S. is not someone that I find terribly physically attractive, but there’s a definite sapiosexual connection.  Mr. S. is interested in polyamory but hasn’t yet had the balls to talk to his wife about that.  Here’s the thing – I can’t do that anymore.  So unless he’s going to tell Mrs. S. that he’s into me and that he wants to be poly, he can just shut the front door.  I am enjoying the warm conversation but I am absolutely not investing anything more into that relationship until there is a go-ahead all the way around.  Also, I would need a lot of time before I’d be interested in anything physical.  I don’t dive in that way.  Not when I don’t have time to develop things.  There would need to be some woo-ing involved.  The Ex did all that twenty years ago and so on.  There’s not a whole lot of woo-ing and trust building that needs to go on there.  I even told him that in our last conversation.  Basically, if we’re friends who get together for a fuck fest occasionally, I’m down with that.  He hasn’t responded to that either.  It always comes when I least expect it.

Bipolar disorder has been a real bitch lately.  Stupid rapid cycling.  Loneliness.  Feeling like I need to get on lithium.  I feel pretty balanced today but yesterday yeah, not so much.  All the stupid shit that goes with bipolar disorder seemed to be happening to me at once.  I’m also sick.  Maybe going to the doctor tomorrow.  I hate going to the doctor and I especially hate going to the doctor by myself.  I want someone to take me there because I feel like when you’re sick someone ought to take care of you.

I really want to watch the show on poly that’s on showtime but while I can get a free month trial, at the end of the month I have to pay and I don’t want to forget and then get charged for something I don’t even fucking want.  I hate that shit.  Companies are looking for any way to get you to give up your money.  I don’t think I’m an anarchist but I do hate corporatism.  Maybe I’m a socialist.  I don’t even know.  It doesn’t even matter.  I used to think that someday I would make some sort of giant impact on the world.  The fact is, I don’t feel like I’m even a blip on the radar.  The world is so big and there is such a small percentage of it that is famous or life-changing or whatever.  I realize that teachers have a huge impact and whatnot, but at the same time it’s like…you never hear somebody thank their high school acting teacher when they win an Oscar, you know?  And the fact is, that person is probably more responsible for that person’s success than anyone else – well, minus their connections in the industry that if you don’t have you’re pretty much SOL.

I’m tired.

Edith says I have no work ethic.  You know.  Maybe she’s right.  I don’t really work super hard on things.  I work, I guess, but I wanted my school to take off and it’s hard so I’m ditching it.  And I wanted to be a professional actor but it’s hard and I have to talk to people on the phone so I’m ditching it.  If I worked super hard could I do those things?  I don’t honestly know if those things are remotely compatible with staying home with my children and continuing in the relationships I’ve cultivated in the way that I’ve cultivated them – and I like my life, you know?  But I am tired of disappointing people.

In the meantime – Mr. S. makes me feel good about myself.  He is offering all of the things that The Ex would not.  And while I will always find the Ex irresistibly appealing, possibly I need someone else to pick up the slack in the places where he can’t help me.

Yeah.  I’m that needy folks.  THAT needy.


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