Author Archives: mynameisnotveronica

Today I realized that I keep looking at my own Facebook profile over and over obsessively because I am trying to figure out what is wrong with me.  Like…why…why aren’t you talking to me anymore?

And I don’t know what to do about that, you know?

I want to just be able to toss it off and not give a fuck about you, but I can’t.

You’ve been sitting there in the back of my mind for so many years I don’t know how to organize the back of my mind without the place you normally fill there.

Yeah.

I know.

You haven’t thought about me that way.

But I have thought about you.

And I think in cases of unrequited love the person pining always thinks that maybe deep down the person they love thinks about them in exactly the same way.  When we find out they don’t it just doesn’t compute.  We’ve spent so much time and effort believing.  Believing.

Things with Ed are good.  Really good.

Things with The Ex are…  I don’t know.  He hasn’t spoken to me in over two weeks now.  Since we argued about how we’re bad for each other (or not) and I said maybe we should just leave each other alone.  I chalk it up to his business and his compartmentalization and I try not to dwell on it.  If he never talks to me again, I need to have peace with that and accept it.  It’s hard, but it’s a have to.  I’m not going to beg.  I’ve done quite enough begging.

And now there’s Mr. S.  Oy.  That’s a whole other ball of wax.

Mr. S. is married.  Mr. S. is not someone that I find terribly physically attractive, but there’s a definite sapiosexual connection.  Mr. S. is interested in polyamory but hasn’t yet had the balls to talk to his wife about that.  Here’s the thing – I can’t do that anymore.  So unless he’s going to tell Mrs. S. that he’s into me and that he wants to be poly, he can just shut the front door.  I am enjoying the warm conversation but I am absolutely not investing anything more into that relationship until there is a go-ahead all the way around.  Also, I would need a lot of time before I’d be interested in anything physical.  I don’t dive in that way.  Not when I don’t have time to develop things.  There would need to be some woo-ing involved.  The Ex did all that twenty years ago and so on.  There’s not a whole lot of woo-ing and trust building that needs to go on there.  I even told him that in our last conversation.  Basically, if we’re friends who get together for a fuck fest occasionally, I’m down with that.  He hasn’t responded to that either.  It always comes when I least expect it.

Bipolar disorder has been a real bitch lately.  Stupid rapid cycling.  Loneliness.  Feeling like I need to get on lithium.  I feel pretty balanced today but yesterday yeah, not so much.  All the stupid shit that goes with bipolar disorder seemed to be happening to me at once.  I’m also sick.  Maybe going to the doctor tomorrow.  I hate going to the doctor and I especially hate going to the doctor by myself.  I want someone to take me there because I feel like when you’re sick someone ought to take care of you.

I really want to watch the show on poly that’s on showtime but while I can get a free month trial, at the end of the month I have to pay and I don’t want to forget and then get charged for something I don’t even fucking want.  I hate that shit.  Companies are looking for any way to get you to give up your money.  I don’t think I’m an anarchist but I do hate corporatism.  Maybe I’m a socialist.  I don’t even know.  It doesn’t even matter.  I used to think that someday I would make some sort of giant impact on the world.  The fact is, I don’t feel like I’m even a blip on the radar.  The world is so big and there is such a small percentage of it that is famous or life-changing or whatever.  I realize that teachers have a huge impact and whatnot, but at the same time it’s like…you never hear somebody thank their high school acting teacher when they win an Oscar, you know?  And the fact is, that person is probably more responsible for that person’s success than anyone else – well, minus their connections in the industry that if you don’t have you’re pretty much SOL.

I’m tired.

Edith says I have no work ethic.  You know.  Maybe she’s right.  I don’t really work super hard on things.  I work, I guess, but I wanted my school to take off and it’s hard so I’m ditching it.  And I wanted to be a professional actor but it’s hard and I have to talk to people on the phone so I’m ditching it.  If I worked super hard could I do those things?  I don’t honestly know if those things are remotely compatible with staying home with my children and continuing in the relationships I’ve cultivated in the way that I’ve cultivated them – and I like my life, you know?  But I am tired of disappointing people.

In the meantime – Mr. S. makes me feel good about myself.  He is offering all of the things that The Ex would not.  And while I will always find the Ex irresistibly appealing, possibly I need someone else to pick up the slack in the places where he can’t help me.

Yeah.  I’m that needy folks.  THAT needy.

It’s one of those times when you know the Ex is having sex with his wife.

You can feel it.  The earth moving under you.  The absence from social media.  The still fall of… I don’t know.  Nothing-ness?

I gave him an idea for a date night today.

Which feels… I don’t know.  Empty and really fucking sad.  Let’s be honest – when a girl tells a guy friend what to do on a date it’s something she’d love, and good for the girl who gets it, but it’s the girl who suggests it that was hoping…really hoping for it to happen to her.

I don’t know.

I have so many feelings and none of them are really ones I understand.

This is so new for me.

For the last year I haven’t understood myself.

It’s a first in my life.

Ed claims this is the norm for most people – but it’s never been MY norm, so that doesn’t really help.

I’ve always understood how my feelings matched up to actions that could make sense.  And now my head and heart just don’t match.  Before, even when this was the case the thing my head was saying always felt like the right thing to do, even if it was going to hurt my heart.  Now i look at the potential solutions and come up empty…

The hardest part is not know…not…really knowing the Ex’s feelings or level of commitment – committed to a lifetime of…what?  Chatting it up on social media?  Watching our profile pictures grown and change?

I haven’t seen him since February.

It feels stupid and I feel stupid and yet… all at once… I can’t stop the fondness.  The want.  The longing.

All this knowing how it makes Ed feel.  Which makes me a total bitch.  I know that.  Ed says that I shouldn’t feel guilty.  I should allow myself to be happy.  How do you do that when the person who is a part of you is torn up inside over it?  How do I stop empathizing with someone so close to me?

My therapist said it wasn’t good for me to hold Ed’s feelings for him, but I can’t help it.  It feels like that’s what love means.  I know it doesn’t – but I don’t know what it is if it isn’t that.

The Ex sends me his feelings almost constantly.

Maybe I’m making that up, but I can’t explain things any other way.

You know – nothing makes any sense any more.

Everything used to make all sorts of sense and I knew who I was and where I was going and now I’m wrapped up in feeling inadequate and guilty and lost and empty and lonely as fuck.  So fucking lonely.

I just want to dance with someone.  I want someone to hold me.  I want someone to take me somewhere beautiful and wrap my up in their arms and a blanket and I want a cracking fire and I want to make love and I want to be free to make love with more people and I want…

My life is made of wanting lately.

Dissatisfaction.

And I find that unfair.

Because when I look at things objectively I love where I am.

But I don’t understand what I’m doing.

I don’t understand myself.

I want to be free to love more people but I don’t want it to hurt my partner and I don’t want to feel jealous if he wants to be with other people and I want to try being with a woman – yes, someday – I want this – and yet I don’t know how to orchestrate it without it being contrived and I feel so in love with so many people around me and I don’t know how to express that because there really just isn’t a socially acceptable way to say it and how do you articulate to people you’ve known for over twenty years that you think if you all just had an orgy it would solve so many of your internal struggles – the deep ones that rip at your brain and course through your veins…

The stillness of night is deafening.

I want to scream and scream and scream and nothing happens.

My neck hurts.

I want a massage.

I want to fly across the country and never look back and yell out my new identity.

I am poly!  I am bisexual!

I want to experience all the things!!!!

Why do we have to come here to experience these sensations and then age out of the time when it’s appropriate before we have an understanding of what it is we want???

I have all these dreams about being super mom.

I make all these really neat plans in my head about what that looks like and sometimes I actually pick days on which to carry out these plans.

Then the day comes and I feel to tired to even get out of my bed and yeah.  I don’t know what to do with that.

Today I went to the neurologist to check out all the shit that might be going on with my brain and try to figure out the fatigue stuff.  I don’t know.  Headaches and fatigue and whatnot.  I feel so shitty much of the time.  I realize that I’m stressed to the max and this isn’t helping matters.  So there’s that.  But really – sigh now WordPress is being ridiculous about me being about to see what I’m typing.  I think I type lots of random shit but I don’t know what or why.  Sometimes my fingers just do strange things.

Today the ex talked to me for like five seconds about my appointment.  I know I just get on here and rant about him a lot, but that’s where I am right now and I shouldn’t have ot feel my stupid guilty feelings about my own blog.    I wish that I could better control things.  I realize that the Ex must be giving me sometihng – adding to my life somehow, because if he wasn’t then I wuldn’t have an issue with dropping him like a bqd habit.  And yet.  Here I am writing about him.

I do like that we both hae similar needs when it comes to communication and talking and processing externally.  I really wanted to talk to him last night because Ed just tends to sit there and not know what to say – and much as I love him this makes me nuts when I’m trying to process through something.

I’ve decided that fuck correcting all the errors that happen when I can’t actually see what I’m typing.  Pretty damn sure no one reads this blog anyway.  But.  Eh.  I’ve been surprised before.

Anyway – on top of all of this I just want to get better and feel less stressed and be able to have the life I envision instead of just, you know, envisioning it.

A memory of you washed over me today like an ocean.  A beautiful, deep, terrifying ocean.

We were at J’s wedding.  I hadn’t seen you since I got married.  The moment I saw you I couldn’t breathe.  My heart…stopped.  When you hugged me…  electricity.  Your eyes – that longing – it had been so long I’d forgotten how it burned into my soul.  We couldn’t take our eyes off each other and when I left the wedding and was sitting in the backseat of the car I could smell you on me.  Your cologne ravaging the pores of my skin and I breathed you in and breathed you in and breathed you in.

I need to be outside.

I want to go camping.

Alone.

I know that’s folly – because going camping by yourself when you’re a chick is just asking for trouble in this culture, right?  Maybe in any culture.  Which is a shame.  Fuck that patriarchal rape culture bullshit that says I can’t enjoy the great outdoors by myself because some asshole will probably take that as an invitation.

Whatever.

I want to go on a long ass hike.  Just be by myself.

I feel like I’m missing out on so much life sitting on my ass in my bedroom watching television and just…whacking off, sometimes literally.  I’m so tired of just existing sometimes.

There was a time, not so long ago, when I felt like I was really truly living.  Do I need to go back to that?  But Thing 1 and Thing 2 weren’t so happy during that time – well…one of them was…but the other – not so much and so here I am.

I know that once they’re grown Ed and I are going to hit the road again.  I’m really excited about it.

The Ex.

I think about him a lot when I’m down and lonely and long for him…really long for him to do something – anything romantic.  I mean.  Seriously.  Just a phone call or flowers or a card or note in the mail would mean a shit ton.  Instead he just talks to me about how he wants me to bring another chick along the next time we’re together physically.  Gah.  Didn’t take him long to get bored with me, eh?  I don’t know why I’m still so into him.  He truly does, as my old bestie would say, treat me like shit.  I mean.  Really.  I feel like I’m all shameful and whore-like so I don’t deserve any better – but the fact is, I really do, you know?

I want to go camping with someone cool.

I wish there was someone cool around for me to go camping with.  I don’t want to go with the kids.  I know.  That makes me some kind of shitty parent.  But fuck all of you who think that.  I do the best I fucking can.